Six years ago today, I was in a car accident…
It sounds surreal to say ‘six years’, as it seems like it was both a whole lifetime ago and yet somehow definitely not as long as that.
Many of you already know the story. The accident itself wasn’t all that traumatic but what ensued afterwards has left me with what several medical professionals have casually and noncommittally described as PTSD-like symptoms, but in a way that did not warrant an actual PTSD diagnosis. I can’t explain that and yet, I agree with them.
Since that fateful day in 2014 I have had a headache. Yes, for six years I have not gone one day, one hour, one minute without a headache. I know now that this is a result of Post-Concussion Syndrome and Post-Traumatic Chronic Migraine.
I used to visualise while meditating myself without a headache - running, playing games, doing cartwheels; all without pain. Now, after so long I still spend a lot of time with those visualisations but deep down I can’t imagine what it would be like to NOT have a headache.
This isn’t a pity party because also deep down, I still haven’t given into the idea that this is permanent. Even if in the last six months the thought has surfaced to show it’s ugly deep sea creature face, more than once.
Again, like many of you know, six months ago (as of last week) I had yet ANOTHER car accident....
I feel like the actual accident felt more traumatic as I remember knowing it was about to happen and just like in the movies woke up sometime later with it raining outside and a man banging on my window saying “Hey! Hey lady! Hey lady, wake up!”. The ambulance was on its way. I don’t remember much but what I do remember really feels like a dream or like I had seen in a movie, a long time ago.
After missing my niece’s piano recital (where I was headed when I had been hit), calling my sister Natasha (where her “For fuck’s sake” response echoed in the church where the recital had just finished), had multiple x-rays, I was finally told I was going to be ok and could go home. No mention of a concussion. Natasha looked at me and saw the rage building up in my face because I knew that I had a concussion and how terribly serious that could be. She abruptly took me home before I exploded at another member of the hospital staff (I still maintain that the med student earlier deserved it). The next day I was diagnosed with a concussion by my GP, who had the same but much more subtle rage about the absence of that diagnosis at the hospital.
I have suffered two major concussions. That isn’t what I planned to talk about here but I felt that you might have needed some backstory to explain what I actually want to talk about; boredom.
Last year I was diagnosed with ADHD, it is something I knew for quite some time before my formal diagnosis as well as something that I had wished I knew as a child.
With my friends even as an adult I was often the first awake and the last to sleep, I had FOMO so bad that sleep wasn’t an option, just in case I missed something really awesome. Cartwheels were my number one way of expressing a stack of pent up energy, and yes, even as an adult, cartwheels.
Concussion brought a new world for this woman who could no longer be the first up and the last to sleep. Ended were the days of saying a resounding yes to every activity that was proposed to me. I slept (and still sometimes sleep) more hours of the day than I spent awake. There were no more cartwheels - I was now a zombie.
But I’m here to say that becoming a zombie has taught me a lot. It has taught me things that people might be in need of knowing in the world's current situation. So here it is…
Boredom is actually our friend.
Without boredom there is no imagination. We have both the privilege and low-key disadvantage of a never ending supply of entertaining content. No longer are the days of cycling through the same VHS tapes you’ve seen a hundred times and then finally making the decision to go figure out a way to entertain yourself. Ask yourself what happened when that content couldn’t hold your attention anymore? You reached out to friends and if that wasn’t an option, you looked to your imagination.
I learned after my first accident that the medium I would now consume the most (instead of facebook and instagram scrolling) would be audio. The screens hurt my head so I found podcasts and audiobooks. Six months later, I realised I had not had an original thought in months. Every waking hour I was being entertained by someone else’s ideas. Yes, sometimes these were thought provoking but I never took the time to pause the audio stream and take the earnest time to think for myself.
I’ve heard of writers shutting down their twitter accounts after realising they were starting to think in a hundred and forty characters (yes, I know it’s longer now). We need to stop the mental confinements of the unconfined and immeasurable expanses of the internet and its hold it has on us. Shut it off, pack it up, and back away. Don’t listen to music, or if you must, choose something within the realm of elevator music; it’s in the background but it’s not holding any of your attention. Now let your imagination take over. I can’t tell you what that looks like for you but here are some of the ways that I get my own imagination jump started.
Pull out a tactile IRL project...
Build something, paint something, write something, invent something. No need to put any pressure on it being something good just something. You can even make a promise to yourself that no one else will be allowed to see it. That way if it sucks, oh well and if doesn’t suck, you can scrap that promise and show the world… Just don’t let your mind think about that option while you create, remember: nobody is allowed to see it.
Do something physical and actually feel it...
Dance in your living room, try to remember all the words to your favourite song, stretch, work out, masturbate, do yoga, have a bath, stand on your balcony and let out one big yell from the very bottom of your guts (by the time anyone notices it will be over and there will be no need to explain). Whatever it is you choose, do it with real intention. Feel everything that your body experiences and acknowledge every emotion it provides for you. You are alive, feel it.
Last but not least, my most and (very) least favourite...
Do Nothing.
This can be achieved in many ways. Each of these ideas begin by sitting or laying in a comfortable position, then...
Imagine yourself somewhere lovely and then let your imagination take you from there. The possible adventures are endless...
Think of a project or idea that you’ve always wanted to do and ask yourself question after question about it (this one I like to keep a pencil and paper nearby). The key is to not stop asking questions.
Think of some random kid saying “but why?” over and over again.
Who? What? When? Where? Why?
The ideas will become clearer and clearer or they will turn into something entirely different that you had never even considered. Sometimes this brings you to a place of realising that the idea isn’t something you actually want to do, and sometimes it leads to unbridled excitement to get started.
Snuggle. If you are lucky enough to be with a person or an animal friend who you love, this is a great way to shut off. Curl up and snuggle. If you talk you talk, if you don’t you don’t. No expectations. Just enjoyment.
Imagine what it feels like to achieve one of your goals. I don’t mean just think about it. I mean what does it actually feel like? What would you say? How would your body react? What would you do? What would you think? Play it out in the present tense and really feel what that success feels like.
Go through a list of all the things you are grateful for and why. This one is simple and filled with a bunch of fuzzy feels. Don’t let yourself wander into the negative if it isn’t something you can fully enjoy right now. Just be grateful.
Check in with yourself. Scan your body over and over again and feel every sensation it is experiencing. The feeling of your clothes touching your skin, a rumble in your stomach, an ache in your knee, the warmth of the air blowing from a furnace vent nearby. Every time your mind wanders, acknowledge the thought and let it go, and return to the scans. A simplified version is to focus on just your upper lip, feel your breath flowing in and out of your nose and how it feels as it sweeps across that upper lip. (Yes, this is Vipassana meditation but we need not think too hard about it, that’s kind of the point). Feel each sensation.
Sleep. I don’t mean laze about in and out of sleep all day. That will mess up the quality of your actual night sleep but fill a hot water bottle, pick some cozy pyjamas (or strip down, whichever you prefer), find whatever you have or need to make it extra cozy. Then choose to set or not set an alarm. Sometimes I like to set an alarm as it tells my mind that I only have this set amount of time to sleep so I better get right into it. Sometimes I like to not set an alarm and play “what year is it?” when I wake up. Also, bring a glass of water, your Post-nap self will thank you for it.
Wow, you’ve made it to the end! I applaud you. And now that you’ve consumed the content I selfishly want you to consume, go, shut it off, put it down, back away.
I love you, and happy boredom everyone.
Love Chelsea Amber
